Kind, loving, caring, strong, patient, sometimes a bit self-effacing, she attracts leaners like a honeypot attracts bees. Seldom having a moment to herself as she always has visitors, most often girlfriends, who come to dump their problems on her, depart feeling temporarily better while leaving her drained. Earth Mother gives good, commonsense advice to leaners and is continually frustrated by the leaner’s tendency to keep repeating the same mistakes, despite her advice. Leaners phone at any time—meal time, TV-watching time and late at night—to dump. If she’s not counselling, Earth Mother is baking cakes, cutting out patterns or sewing up dresses for leaners. Not surprisingly leaners are often possessive of Earth Mother. Earth Mother is often a houseproud, conscientious parent, who somehow has to fit in attention to house, children, husband/boyfriend, parents and in-laws. Parents, husband/boyfriend and in-laws are sometimes leaners too. Earth Mother’s greatest stress is the guilt she feels when she’s finally blamed for all that goes wrong in the leaner’s life.

‘Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others.’ (Buddha) Earth Mother has to recognise that her health and the kids are suffering as a result of the time and energy she’s putting into leaners. Furthermore, she is not really helping leaners by encouraging their dependency on her. Earth Mother has to acknowledge that sometimes the best kind of caring lies in encouraging others to stand on their own two feet and as much as she enjoys her role she has physical, mental and emotional limits.

The best course of action is to learn to say no. If you are an overstretched earth mother, get on the phone to everyone and explain to them that you need a rest and tell them why. If you explain that the demands everyone is placing on you has burnt you out, they will understand and back off. If you make up stories (because you don’t want to hurt their feelings) they won’t understand and resentment will develop on both sides. Tell them you’ll phone when you are feeling better. If you don’t feel up to phoning yourself get a parent, child, spouse or lover to do it for you.

Don’t waste precious energy fuming and stewing over the fact that leaners have reduced you to the point of having the shakes, or binge eating in lieu of time to yourself, or feeling prostratingly fatigued. Leaners are not bad people. They are everyday people who have allowed the normal human desire for some support and emotional nourishment to get out of hand. They are not mind readers and that is why they don’t know how you feel. Besides, you were always available and appeared to enjoy being so. This too is fine, and there is no reason to totally give up your supportive role when it’s just as easy to define your limits of tolerance and notify yourself and others of them. Any leaner who refuses to acknowledge your need for rest is best extricated from your life. Fortunately, these types are few and far between.

It is important for home-based earth mothers to reserve some quiet moments through the day to indulge themselves. Reading, listening to music, doing something creative, before the afternoon rush of driving kids to and from activities, supervising homework and preparing the evening meal. Career-based earth mothers can try and organise some time off work to do the same.

Male earth mothers do exist, though in much smaller numbers than their female counterpart. Like female earth mothers, they too have to learn to let go of leaners as much as leaners have to learn to let go of them.

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